Pastel, Raiinbow

2008-09-18

It will never be the four of us again. Instead, the four of them. Joie, Valerie, Ashley and Rong Hua. These few days I've been thinking much. Perhaps, it was not Valerie who got between us but me, who got in between them. Today, when I saw Joie and Valerie SMSing in class, when they are of such close distance, I finally realised that I'm sitting in the middle. Maybe it was because of me. Joie must be considering about my broken friendship with Valerie and did that because she thought I might get upset. Maybe, I might not be what I think too. I really do not know. These 3 days... they were like having conversations on their own and I felt super left out. I was thinking that maybe I've done something wrong, something to make them feel unhappy and dun wana talk to me anymore. I thought of ever so many reasons that makes myself feel that I'm with them again. But I've realised that I was lying to myself.

They are all sharing the common interest perhaps. Or maybe because they all share one good friend, Kexin. Dunnoe why. I feel super left out again because they were all talking about Kexin
and I feel that I'm very extra. They are all like talking and chatting with Kexin. And it's only me that was not talking to her because I dun think she like me in the very first place.

Do not know why I'm so forgiving. I've forgotten myself. I've forgotten about the people around me. I keep lying to myself. Now, its time for me to face the facts.

1. I've forgiven Valerie already. [So Ros, stop all the words that are against her to anyone else again]
2. The four of them is then a perfect group. [So Ros, backout!]
3. She's right. I'm too short to be in the group. [Stop lying to urself Ros]

Now.. I do not know how to face them.

Rong Hua is chatting with me on MSN now. I dunnoe how to say or how to express to him my thinking now. He is so.. I dunnoe wad to say about him. He is super laggy. I've been trying to tell him in a most hurtless manner and yet he still do not understand.

He will know it soon enough. Should i go direct? I seriously do not know...

Bessy is like the only one I could tell my feelings, secrets to. I am also really afraid that she might be tired of me soon and leave me.

(If any one of the four of you is reading this now, please do not get me wrong. I mean no offence to any of you, especially to Joie, Ashley and RH. Hope that you can understand.)

{I'm now thinking that I am super stupid. ARGH}

Crapshitted. I need another box of tissues again.

Pastel, Raiinbow 4:14 AM
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